java STILL sucks

Emergency?  Oh, wait two minutes while I install a different version of java so I can access that...

Seriously, this is what's gonna happen some day.

huh.

Like my mother, I've been told I'm smart pretty darned near most of my life.  It took me a long time to realize that intelligence is the root cause of much of my confusion about how people talk to me and how they act.  Even when I knew it, I didn't understand how to get around it.  I was who I was, and I wasn't ashamed of people who were not me because I didn't fully comprehend that the attributes I thought should be universal simply were not. I assumed that some people were simply assholes.  As it turns out, sometimes they are... and other times, it's because they don't know better or because they feel threatened.

Now that I've finally begun to slow down and find things that I must do that I don't have a natural affinity toward, I'm starting to understand where so many people were coming from.  And, having friends who are smarter than I am - or at least, who have abilities that I want and do not possess - has given me the perspective of feeling helplessly stupid.  Not stupid as in "why did I not realize that before" but stupid as in I know, there is absolutely no energy in my soul for me to even remotely comprehend how to ever grasp what they so easily grasp.  At first this was a failure on my part.  Now, I understand, perhaps necessarily, that it is not failure and that the sooner I acknowledge my limitations, the faster I can stop feeling so frustrated and instead plod slowly forth until I succeed or find a way around the obstacle in my path.

It is both remarkably sobering and amazingly inspiring to be in this situation.  I am both wisened by experience and challenged by continuous need to learn.

Sometimes part of me wants to be more like Mum and simply give up for the sake of certain principles or out of sheer mental exhaustion, but I have no idea how to do that.  The other part of me goes back and forth between wanting to maintain my lifestyle and wanting to pursue my childhood passions that are just now becoming realized and placed before me.

As my life has always been, I am forever caught in a state of dichotomy... both wanting and not wanting, being social and unsocial at the same time, and feeling both passionate and exhausted at the same time.

~nv

kidney stone, and... wow.

I learned today why I used to get teased for being a "camel" as a kid.  I.e., I didn't have to use the bathroom for 8+ hours at a time, so my mom called me a "camel" and would tease me about it.  (Normal people should be going 4-5 hours supposedly.  I go more frequently now (every 2-3 hours) because I drink much more than I used to, so I won't get kidney stones.  That didn't work out too well for me this time but I digress.)

Anywho, I got teased because mom, too, was a camel.  Unlike me, though, she wasn't allowed to have more than a small glass of milk a day and water only if her mother gave it to her, because she couldn't say "water" as a kid and somehow got it in her head that she wasn't allowed it unless mommy-dearest gave it to her... even when she was old enough to go get it herself.

This came about because I wrote to say I had a kidney stone and outlined all the measures I was taking today to clear it up, and she said "poor you guess it didn't pay to be a camel as a kid" so, knowing she'd had stones, too, said, "I didn't know you were also a camel as a kid!" thinking I was humourously pointing out how stupid that was.  At which point I got the whole story.  She made it sound like I was not drinking enough as a kid on purpose, which is ticking me off, but... at least I have understanding as to why she teased me for it.  She was probably reminded of the abuse and maybe on some level wondered if she was causing me to not drink enough fluid.  I don't think that was the case, but... who the hell knows.

Along that note, I'm glad I didn't have kids.  I wouldn't want to be saddled with always wondering how badly I was warping them based on my own upbringing.  Yipes.

Incidentally, one of my findings today was that Aleve seems to alleviate (hah) most of the pain from a kidney stone.  I managed to keep the pill down long enough for it to take effect, surprisingly... and man, does it do wonders.  I did take one as soon as I felt the tell-tale, excruciating pain start up, though... maybe that's why it stayed down?  I didn't believe it would help because I had aleady begun feeling nauseous (how fast that happens!) but... it worked very well indeed.

Hm.  Or maybe she's mad that they didn't have Aleve back when she was getting kidney stones and feels like taking it out on me for not suffering as much as she did.  I just thought of that.  I never truly know what's going in that head of hers.  All I know is, writing this is helping me not be so mad.  Plus I'm finally eating for the first time today so that's helping to even out my mood.  8oz of water every 20 minutes, and peeing the same, does weird things to my sense of being.  I've slowed up a bit on the water intake to counteract that effect while I refuel (I want to get as much work done as I can while the Aleve is still working) but will resume once lunch is over.  I am currently enjoying a nice cup of tea (which I steered away from while I went for water instead) and an egg on a bed of greens with two slices of potato bread toast complete with orange marmalade.  I am thoroughly enjoying it, because I know that without the Aleve, I'd simply be throwing up right now and I wouldn't be thinking about food whatsoever.  So, I know this is a real treat.  And, hopefully, it'll be enough to get me through another four hours of work so I can relax the rest of the weekend and not have to make up time.

Aight, speaking of which, back to it... and... just had a slight telltale ache telling me the stone has yet to pass.  How can one tiny little thing cause so much consternation?!  I'm not sure if perhaps I should take another Aleve or not while I still can... I keep hoping the thing will just pass... I hate taking medicine for pain because then I don't always know when it stops truly hurting... okay, back to work.  I'll think about it in another couple hours if the pain starts coming back... if it works that quickly, hopefully I can catch it in time...

Killer Kidneys,

~nv