Admittedly, I've never been good with social cues and other things. One thing I pride myself on, though, is managing to stay in touch with friends on at least some level. It's really hard to do. The more people I've become friends with, the harder this gets. Working a ways from home has also taken its toll on my social life, although admittedly, less so... I generally like to come home after work and simply enjoy Dale's company or get working on a computer or site, play with critters, whatever. But... it still takes its toll. Because I have less time at home during the week, it makes me want to stay home on the weekend and appreciate all I have. On top of that, I enjoy visiting with a group of friends once per week to play D&D. This is awesome because it combines D&D with multiple people at once, getting in multiple visits even if they're hardly noticeable due to the gameplay. At least there's that connection, though. So, that leaves one whole day to myself to do whatever the mood strikes me to do.
Most of the time people understand that life is crazy, because they're just as busy as I am. Sometimes you stumble across people that really don't understand. Then there are the introverted friends who really understand that part of the reason my life feels so crazy is because I am trying to maintain friendships while forever being an introvert t heart. These folks understand when I say I need time to myself or suggest alternative ways to stay in touch. They don't get upset, they don't get mad, they don't assume the worst. They simply... understand. And they don't harass me about it for years and years and years or tell me I'm a bad friend or have problems or insist there must be something wrong if I don't want to leave the house to recharge.
I think each of us has both extroversion and introversion in us that alternates. This month I'm looking at a new sleeping routine (the time change always messes me up no matter who well I've prepared for it). I'm looking at a change in schedule to accommodate travel plans for work. I'm looking at this mixed together with the time change, and so because I already have to get on the road early to get to the flight on time, I am now doing this an extra hour early.
Most people do not get the time change thing. It's a very real, serious, difficult problem for me that I've fought with since I was in gradeschool. It's gotten easier, but not resolved. I don't _know_ why my circadium rhythms are so established, but they are difficult little beasties to force into submission. The time change throws my whole being out of whack for anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. I get snippy, bitchy, tired, grumpy, depressed. It's not fun. And people simply pooh pooh it like I'm a whiny bitchy ass. Fuck them, I say. Fuck them.
The travel plans I have going on entail lots of listening. That's another difficulty for me. CAPD makes it damned near impossible to hear things right anyway, no matter how fast I figure things out. But now put me into the worst possible scene: a crowd. For hours. For days. Then add parties after each day. So much audio stimulation it's beyond my comprehension to even entertain. This is what I've been looking forward to. That, and hopefully some warmth, good food, and a nice shower stall. And, if I'm not preoccupied, I might actually realize that I'm with good company during the quieter moments.
At work, everyone's got some form of plague. Coughing, sneezing, sniffling, aches, headaches, hoarseness, stomach upset... it's all over the place. It's so bad right now that even my boss and his boss and another of the big bosses - none of whom generally take sick days - were out this week. I have found that I often catch the "Plague" at the tail end of the rounds of illness. So... two weeks before I have to fly out for a week, and I'm surrounded by plague.
On top of that, my immunity is trying to fail me despite all of my precautions because it's nearing the time of the month when I have to get all drugged up or pass out in pain. That seems to pull any remaining strength out of me and if I'm around germs, I almost always get /something/ within days of that fun.
Oh yeah, and I was out a few weeks ago due to a kidney stone. Whups. That wasn't much of anything, though... took three days to pass the stone but it surprisingly only hurt until I got meds in me. They actually took care of it.
I have been pumping myself up on as much sleep as I can manage, vitamins, extra water, taking some time off to just sit around the house and vegetate and catch up with a few friends that I hadn't gotten to see in over six months, and stopping stresses before they start wherever possible. That meant cancelling a second D&D session that was threatening to eat up my only real day off.
I don't have the option of not driving home from work at night until the sun is up a bit longer and longer every day. Then it's not an option to drive home the light - but I'm ok with that part. Night time driving is dangerous to me, and there's nothing I can do about it right now except look for another job closer to home. I like my job. The headaches of night driving have stopped with the extra vitamins, but the blindness at certain angles and the annoyance of the bright streaming lights has not. It is what it is. If I have to stop cold at 50mph, I do it, in case I've missed seeing something run out in front of me.
I don't know how to get around that. The eye doctor had nothing to tell me other than "People with really clear eyes like yours do seem to have this problem." !
So basically, I've established a routine, have accepted some difficult things, and am managing to remain somewhat stress-free despite it all.
Until tonight. I won't get into it online, but... suffice it to say that words were spoken between a couple of friends that will never be taken back by other side. Each side likely thinks they're right, too. Regardless of who said what when or why, right now was a particularly shitty time for it to have occurred given everything else I've gotten myself into.
Social cues. I don't understand them. They make my life miserable at times. And sometimes, I am not even convinced I'm the one with the problem understanding them. Sometimes I think it's just because I'm the one who is misunderstood and not accepted for who I really am.
And that kinda sucks.
~nv
