APD: Hemisphere integration

I still often research APDs out of sheer curiosity to see the experiences of others and what's being done in the field, so today I ran across this... I found it interesting because while I'm not fully ambidextrous, I ate left-handed as a kid and my mom thought I was left-handed until I picked up a pencil with my right hand.  Most of the time, I've been right-handed, but have encountered many instances where I've confused people because they think I'm right-handed but I'm doing something left-handed... like shooting a bow in gym class, for example, or putting (golf) left-handed some days and right-handed others, or forgetting I'm right-handed and jotting something down with my left hand because the paper is to my left.  I seem to go through cycles of intense wordsmithing, logic and organization with random bursts of artistic streaks - even in music, which I generally suck at.  I've known for a long time that the two hemispheres of my brain cannot match the standard idea that one must control one set of skills and be dominant over the other, because... they /don't/ do that.  I have skills across the board that bubble up and then disappear, one second as if I'm naturally talented at something and the other, like I can't even do the basics of what I know I've done.  It's beyond mood although I call it that to avoid confusing people; it's either can or can't, and it changes.  And it can change fast, too, depending on how much "fuel" was spurring me on.  As if the ability has a tank and the tank feeds the ability until it runs out of gas, then too does the ability, and suddenly a new one pops up revving its engine.  It can last minutes or hours.

So, to read this little blip below, gave me a moment of ponder... but I think they may have oversimplified it, if there's anything to it at all.  I have excellent long term memory about some things, as Dale will attest to... right down to the chalk under a table, things people pissed me off about as a kid who wasn't speaking well yet, and the now-faded images of a 300-page-book I memorised by the time I was eleven or so.

All that said, however... I /will/ say that when I've been studying music and sounds for long periods of time (weeks), I notice a reduction in how bad the APD is.  People start to make more sense.  But, it's not permanent... the more computer-oriented I get, the less I can "get" people again.  I was also reading somewhere recently that right-hemisphere APDs often mean that the affect child may talk "flat" or "monotone" - bingo - and have difficulty discerning tone or meaning even if they understand the words themselves.  I found that interesting, too.  The thing that always bothered me about APD, though, is that I have always been a STRONG reader and an excellent speller.  It's the audio portion that sucks ass a lot of the time.  Apparently, I've been doing what many professionals do - shoving a list of symptoms at myself, comparing, and going, 'But they don't match up exactly.'  The thing is, it's not exactly a disability.  It may be classified as one, but I've compensated naturally for it, worked around it, and frankly, find it amusing... even though I still dislike crowds and still say the wrong thing often enough to be endeared to people as quirky, strange, and geeky even if well-intentioned.  Not everyone with auditory processing problems fits into a neat little box.  Some of us leak out and spill our rays of sunshine all over the other neat little boxes, whether the other neat little boxes like it or not.

ANYwho... the blip:

The next area of auditory function we need to assess is long-term memory. Can the individual learn auditorily and retain that information? If a child is having problems remembering math facts, etc. this is usually associated with what we call auditory dominance. We have found that to have good long-term memory, an individual should have all skilled functions on one side of the body, thus establishing what we call a dominant hemisphere of the brain. If the individual is right-handed (and the individual should have a dominant hand for all skilled activities and not be ambidextrous), then that individual should be right-eyed, right-eared and right-footed. Note which ear the individual uses for the telephone, which ear does that individual turn towards you to hear more clearly, to which ear does that individual bring an object to hear slight sounds like a watch.

Lack of a dominant hemisphere of the brain causes reversals, whether visual or auditory, and stuttering and long term memory problems.

-nv

And... he won

Buddy me jig.  Argh.

Dale is three points behind me. ..

... and we just went to round ten.  Ut oh.

Irony

I was driving home tonight with a touch of a headache in my left temple.  Headlights had their usual halos plus a radiance that made the road look fog-covered or my windshield encased in steam.  After thirty minutes, it was all I could bear stoically and I began crying.  Like that helps.  A voice in my head:  "You're so whiny."  Imagined, incessant chatter ensued.  The tears flowed harder.  The fog turned to rain; now all the lights were bright but streaked and shiny, so all reflective yellows danced furtively across the pavement before disappearing in the stagelights.  In my head, I envisioned myself pulling over to the side of the road, unable to drive safely or without excruciating pain.  In my head, the chatter turned to scorn.  "Jesus Christ, Whitney, they're just headlights.  I have to pee.  It's just another ten minutes.  Come on."  "You drive, then, because I can't," I cried silently.  "You know I can't drive stick," the voice reminded me derisively.  "Then we're sitting here for a few minutes until I can calm down this damned headache."  But the headlights continued to pass me, the road continued to disappear, the rain continued to spread the light into long shiny lines that were thankfully recognisable even if unclear.  The chatter didn't stop.  I didn't even know what she was saying anymore.  "Mom, I need quiet," I said, squinting through another spectrum of lights.  "Mom, please, just… OMG.  MOM.  SHUT THE FUCK UP!"  I was screaming now, the effort somehow helping the headache in the imaginatory-time, but in the real one, the lights were still criss-crossing across my line of sight, spreading into the car, spearing splintered lights into the darkness that I knew was an empty seat.

This must be what it's like to go crazy, I thought then, and turned onto my last major route home.  It was blessedly dark, my headlights now on high beams, lighting up the pavement and its lines effortlessly.  The shards of shiny glass dissipated.  The shooting pain in my temple quieted enough for me to see the darkness again and I made it home, safe, but exhausted.  I shut off the car and sat there for several minutes with my eyes closed, allowing my temple to quiet itself just a bit more before facing what might lie ahead.  I was terrified that Dale would be excited to receive me and would flash the light outside in welcome or worse, so much worse, turn on my den light for me as I entered.  When I finally exited the car, the single, tiny light on the porch illuminated the door knob just enough for my key, but he had unlocked the door to check mail so I knew better than to bother and left my hand unfettered by such detail.  I entered, prepared to cover my eyes with my hands, but nothing happened.

By some miracle, Dale was preoccupied with something.  When he finally came over, I had the chance to gruffly warn him not to turn on any lights in my presence.  The unspoken warning:  Or I'll kill you.  I meant this in the most loving way possible, of course, and he didn't deserve the gruffness.  But Dale, with his usual awesome self, simply got quiet, opened the door to retrieve the package I informed him of, and then went about shutting off the light in the kitchen for good measure before returning to his task, whatever that may have been before my headache unapologetically crashed through the door with me.

Once the Aleve attached cement shoes to the headache and drowned it in some river somewhere (I don't care where), Dale and I had some nice conversations over the stench of his bratwurst and the unsettled rumble of my still-somewhat-queasy stomach.  Listening to his day reminded me of my drive home and I related the event to him, laughing as I said, "And there was no one there."  I told him how I still find myself daydreaming about showing my mom the beauty of our house in person.  I added thoughtfully to myself:  And talking about our shared love for music, and listening to it together, and watching her prune the plants and turn the house into an even better greenhouse than it already is.  I dream of the banter and her voice as she talks for the animals and the silly old songs she sometimes sings to herself without fully realising it.  And then the last thought catches in my head behind a rusted, but very strong, double set of bars:  Maybe it's not such a bad idea if she did come to live with us.  The wistfulness then fades and the heavy memories of depression, put-downs, sarcasm, control, anger, pessimism, distrust, accusations, and scorn set in.  "Then I remember the other side of her," I say quietly, "and remember why those things are only pipedreams."  Because, I realized, even though I can accept her for who she is, I've never stopped wishing she was someone else.  "Now, your mom, we may be hesitant only because we like our space, the way things are… but the hesitation isn't about her.  We welcome her here.  We know we could live with her, and adapt to someone else being here."  In other words, no matter how much I love my mom, I know… she is the most difficult person I could ever ask to live with, and I know it.  Dale knows it.  Which is why the rusty bars exist, to block it from happening.  Seeing through the bars is one thing.  Passing through them ain't happening.

"I'm glad my mom is in your life," Dale offered, reading my thoughts.  "At least you get to experience normalcy."

"I am, too," I agreed.  "Many women, though, don't like their mother in laws… so not sure it's normal."  Dale nodded quickly in agreement, having realised this himself as soon as he'd said it was normal.  I added, however:  "But, I am very lucky to love mine and yeah, I get to watch what she's like with you and your brother, and am so blessed that she offers a great likeness of that to me as if I were her own.  It gives me the other side of things, levels things out."

Dale eventually chuckled and asked, "You know what's ironic?"  "What's that?"  "I just charged the batteries for that light today because it had stopped coming on."  I looked at where he was pointing - at the paper-covered motion detection light that aims into my den, and smiled.  "Oh.  Yeah, that is ironic that you'd do that the day I come home with a light-sensitive headache.  I put paper over the sensor on the stairway lighting too," I told him.  He looked down to see, and smiled.  "All fucking week their charge has been low and they were dim.  Today of all days, the sun comes out and they're brighter than ever."  Irony, indeed.

POEM: Orange Spots

ORANGE SPOTS

20151105 - c2015 wlc

 

She stole my chair

It was butt-warm

She looked so proud, content

Seconds pass and orange spots

Are falling through the stagnant air

 

Pitiful is she now

She stares outside

Dropping years within a minute

Seconds passing, snatching breath

She has always wanted out

 

Looks beyond the open door

Watches traffic pass her by

Sniffs the air, demands her freedom

Age a thing of distant past

She digs her way to ever more

 

Once was I she

Wanting all I couldn't have

The grass a-growing on the other side

Always greener than the prison cell

Of me

 

Me, who beat her cage's wall

Bruised and beaten, torn, still trapped

Then, somehow, I found the Key

The skies opened up, rain fell on me

And I knew I had it all

 

When this one door opened, I stood tall

Taller than I'd ever been

Always believing, reaching higher

Dancing in the rainfall every summer

Taking pictures in the fall

 

Lord, don't ever let me

Fall and want what isn't mine

Here with me is the rise and fall

Of the only life

I could ever need

 

I look beyond the open door

Watching traffic passing by

Breathe in the air, enjoying freedom

Age is coming soon, I know

I am loved forevermore

awesome list

Sometimes I run across an old note that references a user or computer I was once working with.  I always feel a pang with the memory along with getting a brief vision of the situation that brought me there.

I've always had "sh**" lists - mainly for systems I disliked.  The user I ran across today, however, was the first user to ever make it to my "awesome" list - in fact, I was so overjoyed with her follow up to a problem that I created that awesome list just to put her name on it.  It was a very deep pang but a fond and joyous memory.

Wherever you are, Awesome User # 1, thank you for that memory, even if it means I must now miss helping you.

~w

peppers are good

It's scary to me to realise that I've grown up, thus:

1. I eat my lunch (grilled burger leftover, grilled squash, grilled peppers)

2. I drink some mountain dew

3. I finish my last pepper

4. I reach for my snickers peanut butter bar and hesitate.  I don't want to ruin the last vestigial flavours of my lunch.

5. The snickers bar goes temporarily unmauled.

whee

I forgot how fulfilling it is to help people online...

wedding photos

Every now and then, because someone has a nice camera and only posts decent to nice photos on their websites, maybe even gotten published in a few magazines, people have the misconception that such folks are able and willing to take photos of just about anything.  Like weddings.

I recently became aware of a couple who falls into this category.  They were approached by a future wife to shoot a wedding coming up in a few weeks.  They carefully declined and, after a few back and forths, it seemed the thing was settled.  The future husband, who is family, then stated that the couple was needed to do the photos and pretty much, that's that.  The couple, who were originally invited to the wedding, are now captive photographers who can't enjoy it.  Of course, this was muted by "it'll be laid back, no worries."  Taking photos of someone's wedding is not laid-back.  Especially when you care about the couple getting married.

Obviously this did not settle well, but the newly-appointed photographers said fine, I mean, what are they supposed to do?  It's family, it's just a few photos in the grand scheme of things, right?

For anyone out there who'd like to put their beloved "guests" in the same position, please consider the feelings of said "guests."  Photography is an art mixed with skill.  It is also very dependent on lighting and experience.  Even people who routinely photograph people have trouble with weddings because they are a once-in-a-lifetime event.  The photographer will be intruding into others' spaces, they will be swapping equipment to get the best shot they can, they are limited to whatever equipment they have, and there will be constant worry about conditions such as rain, lighting, clouds, etc.  This is not a light-hearted request.  It is a nightmare.  The "laid-back" approach is anything but:  The photographer formerly known as guest is no longer a guest, but a ball of worry rather than someone who gets to enjoy a wedding.

A couple of our friends had insisted we take photos of their wedding.  I firmly told them no.  We would of course /take/ photos if they permitted it, but they could not and would not expect us to do the entire thing.  Our photos came out great, of course - the weather was exceptionally beautiful - but they never really "got" that we were not "it" and kept insisting we do additional stuff.  I happened to be "in" the wedding party, as well, and up until the day of the wedding, they didn't seem to understand that if you're in the wedding party, you are not going to be taking pictures.  I did, however, have to run around taking photos before and after, however, and Dale had to take photos of the whole event.  He was a wreck, I was a wreck, but we managed to enjoy ourselves somehow.  It's not an experience I'd like to repeat, though.  So I feel for the couple I've described.

Dale and I took photos of our own wedding via timer.  Unfortunately for us, it was very cloudy that day and while we're glad to have these photos, frankly, they came out like crap.  The best thing they did was capture the moment.  They are nothing I display, even if Dale does.  I do look back at them to remember our day.  That's all they do for me, though.  I had the presence of mind, thankfully, to insist on additional photos in the house where the flash would be effective and posing would work.  These came out nicely.  The long and short of it is:  I've seen both ends of this massacre.

For something that is supposed to now be based on love, I don't see why weddings are made to be so stressful for anyone other than hired help.  Dale and I knew we didn't care for much planning, so we set the date six months later and got our shit worked out well in advance, involving as few people as we thought we could get away with.  We didn't want the expense of a wedding, we didn't want people staring at us, and we didn't want to put anyone out.  The two people we did invite were witnesses we apparently didn't even need.  We're glad they were there and had said yes to hiking up the mountain, but if we'd known we didn't need witnesses, we probably wouldn't even have asked them.

I've read sites like this one that indicate a couple is being cheap by not hiring a photographer.  They give good reasons as to why a professional is a good idea.  They tell it from the side of "the budding photographer wants to take photos, please don't let them."  They leave out the idea that someone asks them to take photos because they can't afford a professional photographer.  Sorry, but I don't place such high importance on weddings that you should afford anything.  If something is important to you, save for it.  This American Dream thing where you should either be in debt or get something for nothing is really getting old.  Why do people have to have everything now?  Why can't people wait anymore?

It just seems to me that if you're going to invite someone to a wedding, you want them there because you care for them in some way, and they want to be there to be supportive.  Stressing someone out doesn't seem like a spot to put someone in that wants to be supportive.

But then, it's just a few photos, right?  And what do you say, no?  Saying no means you can't enjoy the wedding, either, because everyone will despise you for being rude on the couple's big day.  It shouldn't ever have come up, if you ask me.

Personally, I'm looking forward to the day I get to attend a wedding for people I care about where I get to attend the wedding.  I hope that photographer couple gets this blessing someday, too.

~nv

mac vs pc vs linux

Yes, here we go.  I wasn't sure if I could actually restore completely to a fresh hard drive from Time Machine, so I looked it up.  I ended up on a site and decided to scroll down to read user comments, see if there were any tips.  There were, but also the usual flame wars.

I've heard the three major sides to the story.  I've experienced much of it, too.  Note that I'm aware that "macs" should really be "OS X" and "PCs" should really be "Windows."  I am also aware that Linux has more flavors than Ben & Jerry's.  I only use the usual terminology because it's so common.

General Opinion #1:  Macs are easier to use than PCs, are easier to back up, and don't get viruses/are less likely to get viruses.

General Opinion #2:  Mac users spend a lot of money to be told what to do and how they're gonna do it.  They don't know anything about computers.  You can get a brand new PC for way less than the cost of a new mac and it'll perform better and isn't limited by compatibility.

General Opinion #3:  Both PC and Mac users are idiots and Linux is the only real OS out there.

I am so sick of this crap.  Here is what I think about it all.

1.  Easier?  No.  It really comes down to personal preference and how you tend to work/play.  Personally, I like Time Machine better than Acronis, Ghost, BESR, and Mozy, and it comes with all macs out of the box.  I didn't have to read twenty screenfuls of information to get it going or to restore from it.  Note /I/ didn't have to.  It may be harder for someone else to use.  Oh, and Macs DO get malware.  Mine did just yesterday, which is why I was double-checking what I thought Time Machine could do.

2.  It depends on what you intend to use something for and what you're comparing.  I think the laptop line is generally comparable price-wise and so are the all-in-ones.  I could never justify buying a mac pro... If I go with a nonportable computer, I'm building!!  However, when I bought my macbook pro, I found exactly what I wanted and then compared prices with similar laptops on the Windows side.  The pricing was similar.  I wanted iPhoto, GarageBand, iWeb, Time Machine, MS Office [for Windows], Windows 7, and to play with Linux and a few dumb games from time to time that only run in Windows.  I also intended to surf the net.  I opted to drop an extra grand into my new macbook to turn it into my dream computer... I maxed out the RAM.  I replaced the original hard drive with a 240GB SSD and the optical with a 750GB hybrid.  Then I bought Windows 7 Home and a copy of Fusion, downloaded my favourite Linux flavours, and I was off to the races.  Plus, now I have an external optical drive because I bought a kit to shove the macbook's optical drive into, which turned it into a USB connected drive.  It works with any computer that has USB.  I could have bought a windows laptop for the same price and that would have gotten me the one thing I'm lacking on this one:  Major gaming.  But, I am not a major gamer, I like building boxes, and I like having spare computers in case my primary is otherwise occupied.  So that gave me an excuse to have a cheapish gaming rig.  With a few used parts, I built a mid level rig for a few hundred less than my macbook.  And all I use it for is gaming, surfing, and... yeah, that's it.  By the way, I don't see how Apple told me to do anything I didn't want to.  They shoved a slow little drive in an otherwise beautifully sculpted work of art, and I tore it and the optical drive out to make things nicer for me.  I can run seven virtual machines simultaneously while using every native application plus photoshop elements and a few other odds and ends and some of the clunkier VMs simply slow down a bit.  Apple didn't tell me what to do at all.  And I have everything I wanted.  Except the gaming piece, but only if you want to be a doofus about it.

3. I've used several flavours of Linux but it's simply not my thing.  I grew up with DOS and Windows.  I shifted over to Mac at home but still use Windows a LOT - both at work and at home.  I still play around with Linux from time to time and it's gotten some reallllllly sweet distros now... but I just can't really appreciate the time investment required because I have less and less time to invest.  I particularly like Ubuntu because - get this - it reminds me of OS X and actually works on most platforms I've shoved it on, unlike several others I tried in the past.  I also like Knoppix and other bootable versions and keep a Knoppix VM around that does exactly that.  Why?  Sometimes it's nice to surf the web without worrying about getting hit with something.  Yeah, should have been doing that yesterday morning...  Oh, and why are mac and pc users automatically idiots?  I don't know, probably because I'm an idiot for not ONLY using Linux.  Darwin is technically a 'nix, but it doesn't count because it hides behind a mac.  I think people who say such things have issues with the logic centers in their brains.  Which is ironic considering they're smarter than us mac and pc weenies.

Computers are like religions.  Every side seems to think theirs is better when in reality they're all just a bit different.  Why are they different?  Because we are.

Rant over.  I gotta go check a backup.  ;)

~w

Regroup

Long, but good, day full of family visiting.

Now I'm regrouping in my den by revisiting a few of my old ways:  Organizing music on a PC, planning how to best back things up (on my turf, none of this cloud BS), ripping CDs whose music I seem to have lost on the computers, and listening to music being piped from Winamp to my little stereo with the awesome bookshelf speakers.  I love the old Sony sound.  OMG.

I can feel the energy pouring back into me.

I'm also labelling stuff.  I love labelling stuff...

~nv

social cues

Admittedly, I've never been good with social cues and other things.  One thing I pride myself on, though, is managing to stay in touch with friends on at least some level.  It's really hard to do.  The more people I've become friends with, the harder this gets.  Working a ways from home has also taken its toll on my social life, although admittedly, less so... I generally like to come home after work and simply enjoy Dale's company or get working on a computer or site, play with critters, whatever.  But... it still takes its toll.  Because I have less time at home during the week, it makes me want to stay home on the weekend and appreciate all I have.  On top of that, I enjoy visiting with a group of friends once per week to play D&D.  This is awesome because it combines D&D with multiple people at once, getting in multiple visits even if they're hardly noticeable due to the gameplay.  At least there's that connection, though.  So, that leaves one whole day to myself to do whatever the mood strikes me to do.

Most of the time people understand that life is crazy, because they're just as busy as I am.  Sometimes you stumble across people that really don't understand.  Then there are the introverted friends who really understand that part of the reason my life feels so crazy is because I am trying to maintain friendships while forever being an introvert t heart.  These folks understand when I say I need time to myself or suggest alternative ways to stay in touch.  They don't get upset, they don't get mad, they don't assume the worst.  They simply... understand.  And they don't harass me about it for years and years and years or tell me I'm a bad friend or have problems or insist there must be something wrong if I don't want to leave the house to recharge.

I think each of us has both extroversion and introversion in us that alternates.  This month I'm looking at a new sleeping routine (the time change always messes me up no matter who well I've prepared for it).  I'm looking at a change in schedule to accommodate travel plans for work.  I'm looking at this mixed together with the time change, and so because I already have to get on the road early to get to the flight on time, I am now doing this an extra hour early.

Most people do not get the time change thing.  It's a very real, serious, difficult problem for me that I've fought with since I was in gradeschool.  It's gotten easier, but not resolved.  I don't _know_ why my circadium rhythms are so established, but they are difficult little beasties to force into submission.  The time change throws my whole being out of whack for anywhere from a few days to a few weeks.  I get snippy, bitchy, tired, grumpy, depressed.  It's not fun.  And people simply pooh pooh it like I'm a whiny bitchy ass.  Fuck them, I say.  Fuck them.

The travel plans I have going on entail lots of listening.  That's another difficulty for me.  CAPD makes it damned near impossible to hear things right anyway, no matter how fast I figure things out.  But now put me into the worst possible scene:  a crowd.  For hours.  For days.  Then add parties after each day.  So much audio stimulation it's beyond my comprehension to even entertain.  This is what I've been looking forward to.  That, and hopefully some warmth, good food, and a nice shower stall.  And, if I'm not preoccupied, I might actually realize that I'm with good company during the quieter moments.

At work, everyone's got some form of plague.  Coughing, sneezing, sniffling, aches, headaches, hoarseness, stomach upset... it's all over the place.  It's so bad right now that even my boss and his boss and another of the big bosses - none of whom generally take sick days - were out this week.  I have found that I often catch the "Plague" at the tail end of the rounds of illness.  So... two weeks before I have to fly out for a week, and I'm surrounded by plague.

On top of that, my immunity is trying to fail me despite all of my precautions because it's nearing the time of the month when I have to get all drugged up or pass out in pain.  That seems to pull any remaining strength out of me and if I'm around germs, I almost always get /something/ within days of that fun.

Oh yeah, and I was out a few weeks ago due to a kidney stone.  Whups.  That wasn't much of anything, though... took three days to pass the stone but it surprisingly only hurt until I got meds in me.  They actually took care of it.

I have been pumping myself up on as much sleep as I can manage, vitamins, extra water, taking some time off to just sit around the house and vegetate and catch up with a few friends that I hadn't gotten to see in over six months, and stopping stresses before they start wherever possible.  That meant cancelling a second D&D session that was threatening to eat up my only real day off.

I don't have the option of not driving home from work at night until the sun is up a bit longer and longer every day.  Then it's not an option to drive home the light - but I'm ok with that part.  Night time driving is dangerous to me, and there's nothing I can do about it right now except look for another job closer to home.  I like my job.  The headaches of night driving have stopped with the extra vitamins, but the blindness at certain angles and the annoyance of the bright streaming lights has not.  It is what it is.  If I have to stop cold at 50mph, I do it, in case I've missed seeing something run out in front of me.

I don't know how to get around that.  The eye doctor had nothing to tell me other than "People with really clear eyes like yours do seem to have this problem."  !

So basically, I've established a routine, have accepted some difficult things, and am managing to remain somewhat stress-free despite it all.

Until tonight.  I won't get into it online, but... suffice it to say that words were spoken between a couple of friends that will never be taken back by other side.  Each side likely thinks they're right, too.  Regardless of who said what when or why, right now was a particularly shitty time for it to have occurred given everything else I've gotten myself into.

Social cues.  I don't understand them.  They make my life miserable at times.  And sometimes, I am not even convinced I'm the one with the problem understanding them.  Sometimes I think it's just because I'm the one who is misunderstood and not accepted for who I really am.

And that kinda sucks.

~nv

Perverts!

http://www.timesargus.com/article/20150301/THISJUSTIN/703019937

They just want to see used feminine products, old underwear full of skidmarks, and cat turds!  What pervs!

java STILL sucks

Emergency?  Oh, wait two minutes while I install a different version of java so I can access that...

Seriously, this is what's gonna happen some day.

huh.

Like my mother, I've been told I'm smart pretty darned near most of my life.  It took me a long time to realize that intelligence is the root cause of much of my confusion about how people talk to me and how they act.  Even when I knew it, I didn't understand how to get around it.  I was who I was, and I wasn't ashamed of people who were not me because I didn't fully comprehend that the attributes I thought should be universal simply were not. I assumed that some people were simply assholes.  As it turns out, sometimes they are... and other times, it's because they don't know better or because they feel threatened.

Now that I've finally begun to slow down and find things that I must do that I don't have a natural affinity toward, I'm starting to understand where so many people were coming from.  And, having friends who are smarter than I am - or at least, who have abilities that I want and do not possess - has given me the perspective of feeling helplessly stupid.  Not stupid as in "why did I not realize that before" but stupid as in I know, there is absolutely no energy in my soul for me to even remotely comprehend how to ever grasp what they so easily grasp.  At first this was a failure on my part.  Now, I understand, perhaps necessarily, that it is not failure and that the sooner I acknowledge my limitations, the faster I can stop feeling so frustrated and instead plod slowly forth until I succeed or find a way around the obstacle in my path.

It is both remarkably sobering and amazingly inspiring to be in this situation.  I am both wisened by experience and challenged by continuous need to learn.

Sometimes part of me wants to be more like Mum and simply give up for the sake of certain principles or out of sheer mental exhaustion, but I have no idea how to do that.  The other part of me goes back and forth between wanting to maintain my lifestyle and wanting to pursue my childhood passions that are just now becoming realized and placed before me.

As my life has always been, I am forever caught in a state of dichotomy... both wanting and not wanting, being social and unsocial at the same time, and feeling both passionate and exhausted at the same time.

~nv

kidney stone, and... wow.

I learned today why I used to get teased for being a "camel" as a kid.  I.e., I didn't have to use the bathroom for 8+ hours at a time, so my mom called me a "camel" and would tease me about it.  (Normal people should be going 4-5 hours supposedly.  I go more frequently now (every 2-3 hours) because I drink much more than I used to, so I won't get kidney stones.  That didn't work out too well for me this time but I digress.)

Anywho, I got teased because mom, too, was a camel.  Unlike me, though, she wasn't allowed to have more than a small glass of milk a day and water only if her mother gave it to her, because she couldn't say "water" as a kid and somehow got it in her head that she wasn't allowed it unless mommy-dearest gave it to her... even when she was old enough to go get it herself.

This came about because I wrote to say I had a kidney stone and outlined all the measures I was taking today to clear it up, and she said "poor you guess it didn't pay to be a camel as a kid" so, knowing she'd had stones, too, said, "I didn't know you were also a camel as a kid!" thinking I was humourously pointing out how stupid that was.  At which point I got the whole story.  She made it sound like I was not drinking enough as a kid on purpose, which is ticking me off, but... at least I have understanding as to why she teased me for it.  She was probably reminded of the abuse and maybe on some level wondered if she was causing me to not drink enough fluid.  I don't think that was the case, but... who the hell knows.

Along that note, I'm glad I didn't have kids.  I wouldn't want to be saddled with always wondering how badly I was warping them based on my own upbringing.  Yipes.

Incidentally, one of my findings today was that Aleve seems to alleviate (hah) most of the pain from a kidney stone.  I managed to keep the pill down long enough for it to take effect, surprisingly... and man, does it do wonders.  I did take one as soon as I felt the tell-tale, excruciating pain start up, though... maybe that's why it stayed down?  I didn't believe it would help because I had aleady begun feeling nauseous (how fast that happens!) but... it worked very well indeed.

Hm.  Or maybe she's mad that they didn't have Aleve back when she was getting kidney stones and feels like taking it out on me for not suffering as much as she did.  I just thought of that.  I never truly know what's going in that head of hers.  All I know is, writing this is helping me not be so mad.  Plus I'm finally eating for the first time today so that's helping to even out my mood.  8oz of water every 20 minutes, and peeing the same, does weird things to my sense of being.  I've slowed up a bit on the water intake to counteract that effect while I refuel (I want to get as much work done as I can while the Aleve is still working) but will resume once lunch is over.  I am currently enjoying a nice cup of tea (which I steered away from while I went for water instead) and an egg on a bed of greens with two slices of potato bread toast complete with orange marmalade.  I am thoroughly enjoying it, because I know that without the Aleve, I'd simply be throwing up right now and I wouldn't be thinking about food whatsoever.  So, I know this is a real treat.  And, hopefully, it'll be enough to get me through another four hours of work so I can relax the rest of the weekend and not have to make up time.

Aight, speaking of which, back to it... and... just had a slight telltale ache telling me the stone has yet to pass.  How can one tiny little thing cause so much consternation?!  I'm not sure if perhaps I should take another Aleve or not while I still can... I keep hoping the thing will just pass... I hate taking medicine for pain because then I don't always know when it stops truly hurting... okay, back to work.  I'll think about it in another couple hours if the pain starts coming back... if it works that quickly, hopefully I can catch it in time...

Killer Kidneys,

~nv