So. Lots has happened since my last post.
First, my mom died some weeks back. Yeah. Hadn't spoken to her in twoish years. A tad more than that, but I forget exactly when. She'd said some things to me that made me realise we were very very noncompatible people and that I could not be around her anymore or I'd be torn asunder. It took a good, solid year to get over a lot of that. She never called me, and I kept myself from calling her, knowing she'd never call to apologise or anything. Exactly as I wanted it - I couldn't be hurt again.
The year after that, I was doing a lot better with it and that was a good thing because a kidney stone began growing in me that kept fooling doctors into thinking it was something else. I got laid off amidst that crap, and the pain was steadily increasing despite various therapies, money spent to no avail, and time spent trying to "fix" what I couldn't fix. Eventually, I had surgery to remove the .8mm bugger. I remember so badly wanting to call my mother before the surgery. But I didn't. I knew that if I did, she'd just say something like, "You've always been so whiny, try childbirth." I had contemplated suicide within weeks of starting my new job because the pain had gotten so bad. Months of increasing pain apparently can do that to otherwise upbeat, positive people. I mean, "Meh, I got laid off, I'm talented, I have connections, I'll get hired somewhere." And I did! and I loved it and slipped right in well before my typical six months of figuring shit out. Yet there I was, frustrated, dealing with all this new stuff, learning the ropes, arguing with vendors, and sitting there in four hours of solid pain. And the thought was a good ten minutes. I didn't do anything obviously. But I found myself sitting there, contemplating the how, and deciding that particular how was too risky and I'd end up in a hospital with a smashed in face on top of existing pain I was trying to escape. So I consulted a doctor who brushed it off because he hadn't lost hope (in determining what was causing the problem) and he wouldn't send me to a pain management counselor. (He has since been fired. It took me months longer to determine that I needed to do that... in fact, my mom's care in the hospital was what helped me figure it out.)
I cannot imagine having called my mom during those two very major things. On top of that, a former boss died, and I absolutely adored him. I could only imagine her: "Oh my God, and that's just someone you worked with. You don't even talk to him now. Here are the tissues." Fuck you, Mom.
Well, I got the call that she was dying. I had imagined this a lot over the two years prior to it actually happening. I wondered, "Is this really the right thing for me to be doing, to be not calling and making amends for the umpteenth time? Should I call her, because once she's gone, it's too late? Am I a bad kid for taking care of me and not begging her to forgive me for things she said?" And the answer was always, "I'm ok with it. She has made it obvious she cannot be anyone I can be around. I cannot be who she wants me to be, either. We need to stay apart. I think we both know we each love the other. But we just can't be together. Ever. Again."
I got the call Tuesday. I went up on Wednesday when I found out she had lost consciousness and was slipping faster than they'd expected. She died on Saturday morning. She never regained consciousness. But, that friday afternoon, I read to her. At one point, I looked at her gaunt, drugged, sleeping face. I said, in our former joking manner, "You bitch, you just liked me to read these tonguetwisters to you so you could laugh at me!"
Her eyes opened to slits, and I swear to God, she smiled. In disbelief, I blinked, and she was gone again. Did I imagine that? I may never know. But I don't think so. I think she woke just long enough to acknowledge my memory of what our lives were once like. Back when we were acting like idiots together instead of adversarial adults. She knew I came back for her. And that was enough.
I watched a shadow walk into her room a few hours later. I tried to get Dale's attention but he was on the phone with his own mother and didn't notice me gesturing. I didn't dare to move. I stared at it until it faded. It stood in the middle of the room. Eventually I could only see it by looking to one side of it. What the hell was that? I got worried. I had never seen that before. I had watched two other people dying, and that thing never showed up. Was that the grim reaper? Was she about to die? But she didn't. The thing faded eventually. Then I realised... I couldn't feel her anymore. I always thought... I always thought that I'd know for sure when she'd left this world because hey, she's my mom, right? But no. Just a vague sense that she was kinda sort of not there anymore. But she was still alive. People can't leave their bodies when the bodies aren't dead, right? Even the blue-sparkly aura had disappeared. It had been there since I arrived on tuesday. The last time I'd seen that, my mom's sister had just died. Before that, it had been my friend's father. Mum was always one to go against the mainstream, but to this extent?
My cousin woke me up at 1 something am to tell me her breathing had changed and I needed to get up. We stared, embracing, waiting for it. She stopped breathing. I had nothing. Maybe I was too close. Maybe my sense of this stuff was too worldly now and I just couldn't feel it. I don't know. But I absolutely didn't know for sure that she had died. My cousin had to tell me. I glanced up at the time to always remember. We left her there. What was left of her.
Sometimes I remember these hours and cry. But, having gone through her stuff that week, I realised that I was right. It had to be this way. I wish I could have been stronger for her, but I am who I am, just as she was who she was. I have no doubt that she loved me and was proud of me, and I know I love her. I miss the good times, but I needed to grow up on my own, I needed to find who I really am, and I sometimes bitterly wish she could have been there... but she couldn't. What I hope beyond all hopes now, is that she is no longer riddled with all of her demons from the past, and can be the person I always knew her to be, and way more.
A lot has happened over the past couple years. I got in a final fight with my own mom, the only parent I ever knew. I lost my job, and got a new one. I had surgery for excruciating, months-long pain. I lost someone very close to my heart. And then, I lost the one person I have always wished I could be around and finally gave up on. My own tormented Mum. Truth is, I lost her years ago. But her death has brought me more peace than I could ever explain. Tears, sure, but... not only a relief that she'll never put me down again, but also, relief that she isn't hurting anymore, either. So I can finally just feel the love part of what she was, instead of the tormented little girl that was inside her. The part that truly mattered, in the end.
And that is all. For now.
~nv
