I love to see people refusing to socialise even more than me.
I don't hate people (generally, usually, mostly). I even like most of them most of the time. But I've long felt this need to "comply." Even people who think they understand, don't. Today's conversation... Person 1: "Hopefully the evidence of the damage being apart will encourage more people to be face to face after we can do so." Me: Or at least learn how to chat and skype. I miss chat. Hardly anyone does that anymore, it's all texting or facebooking. Nothing personal anymore. Person 3: "I don't think that's good. Personal is better."
Say what?
Because I don't want to place any sort of (additional?) wedge between us, I replied nicely. But honestly? She doesn't get me. We'd had a short ... okay, I ranted to her today about this subject, about how everyone feels some crazy desire to force everyone else to socialise and accept children running around and feeling like crap. In person conversation, mind you. Then this. First, I /said/ nothing is personal any more, meaning chat is mostly gone (aside from texting - that's a separate issue for me that I'm working on). Facebook is social networking media. Not the same. You can use the chat client, but it's a distracting piece of crap at times. A blackhole. Don't get me wrong, I love getting lost in there. But it's designed to entrap you. It's impersonal. It's about shallow little likes and tiny bursts of ego-stroking that damage young developing brains.
I'm developed as much as I'll develop. I still fight against the urge to panic and flee when I'm in crowds or groups. It's a complete overload on my senses. I get exhausted. I stop hearing well enough to participate. I spend days planning for this suffering - eat well, poop well, pee well, take vitamins, sleep enough, list everything I should bring I might need to stay sane like a thing of tea and a snack for the road so if I get hungry I don't act like an idiot because I can feed myself enough to cut that short before it affects my ability to function overly much. And that's assuming it's a good day. Usually, I hide as best as I can, get dragged out anyway, only to be what I consider ignored. On top of that, it usually requires travelling.
So I've decided I'm no longer going to outings unless they're outside and I feel like it. No more situations inside. No more kids. Instead of getting angry about it, I need to simply say no. "But we'll miss you" my ass. You don't talk to me anyway. Not more than five minutes. So why do you want me there at all? We can do that on the phone.
It's unnatural to talk on the phone, via skype, via chat. Yes, it is. I'm not natural. I was born with a computer implanted in my brain. Okay not really but it feels that way. My memory is unnatural. My early photographic memory was unnatural. My tendency to think twenty things at once and work on problems in my sleep and lucid dream and foresee what's going to happen five seconds from now as I talk and observe ... all unnatural. My ability to intuit gadgets was unnatural. I am, like my mother used to tease me, an alien. I have been living like this for years, and I don't want to shut people out completely, I just want to not have to be in their direct presence every time we socialise. I want to enjoy socialising instead of being overwhelmed by it. I'd like to not have to drive an hour or something to go watch someone who specifically requested my presence sit on their phone ignoring me. How is what they do any more natural than what I'd love to do?
There are other people that get it. Otherwise that link at the top there wouldn't exist. I'm not totally alone in this.
So on the way home I decided I simply would stop doing things I didn't feel like doing. Problem solved. I've hidden in bathrooms, by walls, wandered outside to hide, tried to initiate conversations and failed, found other loners to sit with in silence only to be pulled back to the herd, felt stupid, felt inadequate, felt ignored, felt like some crazy selfish asshole. Well wait a minute. Why is my going there to suffer on their request selfish? Why aren't they selfish for insisting I do it their way after many explanations about how I feel in these situations?
Well! Why, indeed! So just don't go!
It's a slippery slope, though. I watched my mother do just that for years and eventually she was so isolated she hated all people all over again. I don't want THAT. I just want to avoid /groups/ and those "friends" who totally ignore me when I do visit...* So... I'll need to compromise to remain somewhat social. Go see /a/ friend, make more of an effort to see /family/ - but one at a time.
* I have two particularly special friends I would drop everything for to go be with and simply sit near. This is unusual. They don't sap my energy. I could literally watch one do artwork and the other cook or look through her ebay finds or something. Or just stare at them. Or stare at my feet. For some people, knowing them causes time to stand still. In a good way. They also happen to be, like my husband, the least judgmental people I have ever known in my entire life.
Now, the funny thing - My most awesome husband in the entire world put forth the effort tonight to get back into chat for me. After fighting with Google for a while (chat requires chrome, go figure), we've been chatting back and forth for a few hours now. God, I've missed this. Much easier than either doing interruptions where my entire train of thought is interrupted or complete silence without any talking at all. Now little blurbs can occur spontaneously without derailing. I love this. All visual. We can still go watch tv together but as we're doing our thing this... wonder... is there to keep us somewhat more connected. Little pings of "hey, I'm thinking of you, I'm still here."
It's late and I'm exhausted. It did feel good to get out and walk and chat. But even that... The overzealous notice-everything was turned on full throttle. Just in case I was exposed and just in case someone else was exposed (to covid) I kept trying to maintain distance as we walked together. This person doesn't notice things easily. But I notice everything. So amidst avoiding wet spots on the ground (so my mesh shoes don't get soaked) and the traffic proximity and the public proximity and the noises and the wind and snow and other people and listening to conversation I was only me-only alert to ensure we all avoided getting too close to one another, and avoiding breathing downstream to another even. I can't shut this off. This is why being with people is exhausting. I'm constantly worried about "fixing" what they don't see to avoid some issue. It makes life unenjoyable for me.
Cats. Soft, fuzzy cats. Yes. And bed. And tomorrow, tea.
-nv
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