Usefulness

It never ceases to amaze me how moods can vary so... and they're all internal to oneself much of the time.

Much of the time at work, I feel stupid, useless, and unappreciated when I /do/ feel useful.  Much of the time in general, actually, I feel either that way or like I'm getting old and fat and don't look much forward to getting older and fatter.

Being a morning person, I usually have what my husband calls morning "bursts."  I.e., I awaken between 5:57am and 6:07am, barely remember to stretch my feet, jump out of bed with my mind racing, and wander around the house cleaning or cooking or whatever strikes my fancy.  He eventually gets up by 6:30 or 7 (8 or 9 on weekends) and comes downstairs with a look of death on his face.  "Grunt.  Argh.  Unh.  What the.  Did you have a burst?"  "Yup.  You want some breakfast?"

Then I get to work, all bubbly (still morrrrninnnnnng), and my colleagues look up in dismay.  "It's back."  "Oh God."  "Can you like, just, sit there and not be like that?"

I pull my spirit into my skin as best I can over the next fifteen minutes, about to explode with joy, and emanate sparks of tamped down energy from my chair for about an hour.

10am.  By now I'm somewhat normal... I begin dropping when everyone else's caffeine levels have risen enough to make them approachable.  However, don't give me detail work.  I'm still scatterbrained.

11am.  I am now stupid.  I can still function, but by now I've worn myself out by holding my energy at bay, and it has seeped into the carpet, through the floor, into the earth, and out the other side for some other unfortunate morning person to utilize.  I feel useless.  I feel unliked, like I don't fit in, and like my memory's shot.

2pm.  Now I'm simply exhausted and wondering why I'm in this profession.  What was I thinking?  Oh my God.  I'm going to die.  Where are my headphones?  I find them and turn them up as loud as I dare so I don't lose my focus for the umpteenth time.

3pm.  Holy crap is it 3pm already?  Why am I so tired all the time?  When are these people going to leave so I can be myself again?  Might as well just smack me with a brick.  I don't even know why I'm being paid to sit here being stupid.

4pm.  Most of the time, my colleagues leave about now.  Suddenly the silence turns into music, even if I don't put my headphones back on.  I bid my colleagues adieu as they almost run for the door and grin inside.  Now I tackle the detail/thinking work.  With a vengeance.

5:50pm.  Shit, really?  I was just getting started!!  I pack up and head home by 6:10.

Then I enjoy Carr.  Sometimes my mood by now has shifted into happy again.  Most of the time I enjoy the sound of Carr for a while as I drive, but then my memories surface and I miss my friends.  A lot.  In fact, I think about them often throughout the day sometimes without meaning to.  Usually when I feel put down or stupid, which is often.  Sometimes I still cry, although most of the time I can prevent that and only produce a deep aching inside with a bit of mist that is quickly subdued by revving the engine or something.  I try to think about what I want to do when I get home.  That sometimes helps, but often it doesn't.  I know I will have three hours to have dinner, check email, do whatever chores I need to do that were not done before, take care of critters, and then, most likely, I'll end up wasting time on the computer and making myself feel worse.

Occasionally, I find ways around this stupidity.  For instance, today, I ran across a report at work of closed tickets over the last 24 hours, 7 days, month, year, and all time.  I saw my name and did some comparisons to the people I think of as the workhorses.  I'm actually pretty even with them if you look at numbers.  First I tell myself, well, the numbers are warped because I have tickets I can close quickly.  Then I remember all the hours-long or even days-long tickets that I spend hours or days feeling stupid about only to have some "ah ha" moment where everything gels and the problem is resolved.  In fact, many of my tickets are like that.  It's the nature of what I do.  It involves a lot of problem solving and research and poking.

I got home in much better spirits, also having at least completed something (even if I'm pretty sure it won't turn out well the first round).  Then I saw that Dale was missing.  So was his car.  Okay... So I took care of the cat litter as fast as I could.  He's always doing stuff.  I was painstaking about it.  I even washed the floor beneath and around the pans with my favourite herbal solution.  Then I took the used litter out to the garbage bin.  I set about putting things away, sweeping, caring for critters, doing laundry and other chores.  He gets home and I ask what else he's going to do besides putting in the a/c and mowing the lawn.  "Trash and recycling," he says.  "I'll do those," I tell him.  "That would be nice but... what I really want is food when I'm done.  I'd really rather have that if you don't mind."  "You'll be mowing for an hour.  I'll have plenty of time to do both."

So I did.  By now I'm feeling pretty good, and have stopped feeling useless at least.  Dale comes in, sweaty and grassy, and sniffs the air with excitement.  He looks me straight in the eye and thanks me for everything by asking, "How do I deserve all this?"  I'm surprised.  "How do I deserve all you do?  You mow the lawn!"  Then as I wander into the living room to turn on the TV for the last hour of my day, my nose perks up and I realise that the wonderful scent in the air was my doing.  The smoothness of the floor was me.  The happily fed creatures?  Me again.  I got home, and in two hours, did all that.

I'm not stupid or useless.  I'm human, and I am apparently just as insecure as many people are.  The scary thing is that there are suffering people in the world and I'm still upset about leaving friends behind.  Moron.  ;)

~nv