minors or folks that take offense at such things.
I've been in a ROTTEN mood this past week or so. Far worse than I've
been in since Dale and I moved in together (and that was because I
hate moving).
First off, I have a big project due on the 19th at work, and am in
training all next week. So, I really have until a few hours ago plus
the sunday I work. No way I can get the rest of it done by then, so
my wondrous workhorse coworker has taken over for me and I bet SHE
manages to get it pretty darned close, if not all the way. I'll be
happy if I have half what I've got now and told her so. Still, I've
spent the last two weeks struggling to get to this and enduring
constant interruptions by my peers (and others) instead.
Second, Dale was gone last weekend from thursday to tuesday early
morning.
Third, I'm PMSing big-time. I've found that stress and inadequate
nutrition seem to be the biggest contributors to PMS for me. The
problem is that stress tends to LEAD to inadequate nutrition, because
I get so irritated by life that I stop eating in favour of go-go-
going so I can get everything done. So PMS was really bad this time.
Dale came back really early tuesday morning, as I said. I was
SOOOOOOOOOOO happy to see him. I remember asking if he was going
into work that day after he got some sleep and I swear he said no. I
took this to mean that when I got home from work, he'd be home and I
could hug him and be happy he was there. It didn't dawn on me he
meant he wouldn't work a full day.
I proceeded to have a horrible day at work later that day.
Horrible. I got nothing done, couldn't even think, because from the
time I walked in I had nothing but interruptions, demands, etc. In
my already-fragile state of mind, this was the worst possible time
for more bullsh**. So when everyone left for the day, I sat there
feeling twitchy, terrified of doing anything for fear someone would
say my name. The last two hours of work should have been my most
productive ones, and instead, I just sat there trying to figure out
what I was supposed to do, even though my big project was weighing
heavily on my mind.
I drove home that night, upset and holding it in, focused on driving
safely. Then, I see the house is dark, and Dale's car is missing.
Logically, I could hear myself thinking, "He may have gone to work a
half-day so he doesn't use too much time off, or he went grocery-
shopping, or he's off to a friend's house, etc." But that voice was
soft. The loud one was that of illogical, emotional panic: "Oh my
God. Dale left me." Now, to my knowledge, our marriage is doing
very very well, probably far better than many. I love him greatly
and I know he loves me as much if not more. He demonstrates it in so
many ways - most of which are facial expressions, things he says with
his eyes. So how could I _possibly_ think he'd up and leave me?
Well, it's probably because I was feeling irrational anyway, and my
deepest fear has always been that those I care about will leave me.
Thus irrational thoughts would most certainly include such a thing.
I parked my truck and sat there crying all over the steering wheel,
aware that I'd split into two people - Rational Me and LostIt Me.
But LostIt Me was, for all intents and purposes, happily content with
being a blubbering worrisome idiot, so I felt Observational Me come
out to watch the fun as Spiritual Me told LostIt Me that she
understood, and to have a nice good cry if necessary. LostIt obliged
heavily for a time and eventually wore herself out. Then WearyMe got
everyone out of the truck and went inside.
LostIt decided to lose it again, because before Rational could
explain that Dale had simply brought his bags upstairs to unpack,
LostIt assumed he'd re-packed those bags and taken off for parts
unknown. (Suitcases were missing, you see.) So Weary sat down in a
chair and waited for LostIt to finish blubbering again as Spiritual
gave a reassuring, silent hug. Then we all ventured upstairs to
check email, as Rational thought that maybe there was explanative
PROOF as to why Dale really wasn't around. Unfortunately, he'd sent
no emails whatsoever, which threw LostIt into an absolutely miserable
panic, because it was not like Dale to not email at all. Not only
that, but this "odd" behaviour further "proved" that he'd left, since
Rational had reminded everyone that Dale would have said something
that could be taken as "nothing out of the ordinary." OMG, he hadn't
emailed, therefore he DID leave and couldn't even leave a note
explaining why! THAT'S how bad it is!! Yeah. Rational, at this
point, gave up, and went to sleep.
The phone rang, and LostIt was pushed aside gently by Observational,
because otherwise the phone couldn't have been answered. It was
Dale. He was just leaving work. LostIt jumped forth and started to
spill the relief over hearing that Rational had been right all
along. Dale felt bad but Rational came to and assured him I was just
pmsing and everything. In fact, it felt more like all the sides that
had split off from each other had come back and were talking all at
once, like that episode of Star Trek where Riker was in the insane
asylum, which was really his own mind trying to avoid being
brainwashed or something. Dale asked if I wanted food, and I finally
gave him some ideas, as I realized I'd not eaten much all day due to
the stress of being at work amidst interruptions and duedates rushing
past.
I hung up, and ... was fine. For about two minutes. I sat there
alone, blinking, numb, and thinking to myself, "What on earth just
happened to me?" This finally made me feel very scared of myself,
because I hadn't felt that out of control for quite some time. So I
grabbed my book and went outside on the porch to read and wait for
Dale to come home.
As I did this, I heard Observer say, "You're still doing that?" I
was startled at the voice and whipped around inside myself, then
realized Observer was right: I was going to wait on the porch as if
I were my little self waiting for my mother to come home from
college. I thought for a moment and said, "Well, you know what? It
might be a carryover from childhood, but I want the fresh air, and so
I'm going to go do just that." So I did.
Now. After I explained all these strange things to Dale, I felt
immensely better. See, he's good about not judging people. He
simply listens, and offers support. Support is exactly what I needed
at that moment in time, and it helped me back to a state where I
could think, analyze, and control myself. However, after having a
relatively ok day yesterday (mainly because I was more level-headed,
and was dragged out of the office for a crisis), today was even worse
than Tuesday. And... today was only a half-day.
First I had a two-hour meeting. I got through that fine; my rational/
observing sides were out in full bloom, taking notes and asking
impartial questions. But when I got back to the office, I was again
pulled in a few directions at once, interruptions, etc. galore.
Within an hour, I knew I would not get to work on my big project, so
I taught Ms. Workhorse to do it in my absence. I felt so grateful
for her and thought to myself, "Good, then at least I can catch up on
email and tasks before I leave." I saw that a customer was asking
about a task I had said I'd get to (and turned out was near-
impossible this week, but I'd not even had time to stall). So I
winged it in the direction of one of my peers, thinking she could
handle it anyway, but I'd briefly give her an idea of what to do,
since I know she's not technically-oriented yet.
Before I could pop over to give her this information, staying a few
minutes late to do so, she announced that if the printer wasn't
networked, she wouldn't do it because she didn't know how and they
would just have to wait until I got back.
It's always an effort for me to avoid killing people when something
so simple to me is not so simple to someone else. And for me,
hooking up a local printer is one of the easiest things in the world
to do. But I'd already thought out that she'd have trouble, because
she's not me. I was prepared to guide her in the right direction,
and expected that from there, she could take over in my absence and
find other help if absolutely necessary. She's not stupid, she's
quite capable, and I know this. However, I was NOT prepared for an
attitude from her, and quite frankly, her remark re-lit the fire that
had been there for the last week. I ignited, but held myself in
check until she finished ranting like what I saw was an an
ungrateful, spoiled little brat who didn't WANT to figure anything
out for herself. See, I know that she has self-esteem issues. I
know how that feels, too. I feel stupid all the time and I know I'm
quite smart and that even when I'm feeling stupid, chances are that
I'm actually unknowledgeable through absolutely no fault of my own.
The point I've learned is that if I don't know or understand, then I
SEEK to know and understand. Learn to figure it out. Because you
see, I'm independent. I resent having to rely on anyone but myself
and God. (Now I rely on Dale for moral support, and sometimes hate
that fact, but at least it's a healthier relationship than what I'm
used to.) It's extremely difficult for me to accept that other
people will not even try to figure something out on their own,
because I'm driven by insatiable curiosity, dampened only when I have
to repeat my efforts for the sake of others who won't do it
themselves. My spirit, in essence, is inexorably crushed when I have
to stop being curious in order to do basic research on things I could
do so easily myself, just so someone else will do it themselves.
Especially when it's a habit for these people to avoid looking things
up at all costs.
I was also particularly irritated with her remark, not only because
of this or because of the week I'd been through, but also because
this assignment involves one of my customers. I'm very customer-
driven and at work this is what I stand for and I RESENT IT when my
peers do not understand that this. is. what. we. are. here. for.
Period.
Now, if I wasn't PMSing, I would have just felt inwardly irritated
and eventually think to myself, "That's fine. You can work around
her. FIND her little shit work she DOES know how to do, so much of
it that eventually she'll BEG you for something more interesting."
But because I was PMSing, I stood up, half-gently pushed my chair
into my desk, and said, "Well, you know what? I'm done. I'm in
training all next week, so all the questions everyone would normally
ask me which would deprive me of giving good customer service and
actually GETTING MY SHIT DONE so I DON'T have to pass it to someone
else... well, you know what?? YOU'RE ALL ON YOUR OWN!!" The other
two in attendance just stared at me with surprised looks on their
faces. Ms. Workhorse, one of those two, then looks terrified.
"Don't leave me," she says, obviously thinking that I'd just quit my
job.
I replied, "I have no intention of leaving. But, when I return, I
will no longer allow any interruptions from anyone. My work will get
done first, and then I will be the mentor I'm supposed to be. I'm
done with not getting my shit done. Done."
Then I left the room in silence, which I'm sure broke out into
whispers, lamentations and grumbles as soon as I was out of earshot.
I could give a rat's ass, too. I'm telling you, there are certain
people at work that need a good beating to get some sense knocked
into them.
All that aside, I drove away muttering and screaming to myself, once
more so irritated that I was beyond grief. I started thinking of all
the times I've been expected to do shit because I'm "smart" and how
more was expected of me because it COULD be expected. I said, quite
loudly, to no one: "Being smart is a goddamned CURSE. Not only do I
see all the imperfections in the world, and have to wait while people
catch up to me, but I have to UNDERSTAND everyone else!! BULLSHIT!!
Just once I'd like to not only get away with blaming my brain with my
lack of ambition but also not feel guilty about it. ASSholes!!"
I was still yelling and muttering to myself when I got home with
Lancie's crickets. This continued as I made myself some lunch and
finally ceased when I slammed my den door and sat down to write
this. As I saw my kitties' faces completely washed with odd
expressions of wonder mixed with curiosity, confusion, expectation of
food, and slight fear, I can't help thinking that I have become... my
mother.
~nv
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