I had a rather positive talking/listening to and felt backed and
liked and respected and supported today, so now I can't hate the
whole place. Not that I really did, but it felt like I did, and I
had to feel like I did because I couldn't stomach the concept of
staying there and to like any element made it difficult for me to
reach any logical conclusion as to what I should do.
The smartest thing I did was tell myself and Dale that I would not
decide ANYthing until this week, because you see, I know myself. I
need to make decisions when I'm thinking logically and am NOT upset.
Wow. I was just about to jot something in my Franklin Covey planner
under tomorrow's date... something along the lines of "I will
distance myself from emotional involvement today." Then I thought,
"Hm, that's kind of along the lines of professional growth or
something" and glanced over at the saying for tomorrow (they have a
quote on each date). It said: "Peace is the skillful management of
conflict." (Kenneth Boulding)
Last week, I had a myriad of stressful things happening: PMS, which
amplifies my emotional side; rude, unprofessional, childish behaviour
that spilled over into the life of someone I care about as well as my
own; a project that involves a scatterbrained, demanding person who
can't or won't keep facts straight; demanding work. Not to mention a
stiff, crunchy neck that had been getting worse over the course of a
few weeks (likely due to stress above all else).
All of this led me to seek out advice from friends and colleagues,
and of course, Dale. Dale was awesomely supportive. My friends have
been supportive and counselled me as best they could whilst offering
an empathetic ear. And finally, a few colleagues offered advice and
assistance from a professional standpoint as well as a friendly one.
I had told Dale, too, that I planned to get a massage on my neck, and
he reminded me of a friend of ours that does just that for a living.
So, I booked an appointment with her for yesterday morning. My neck
isn't 100% again, but I feel a significant change and I think if I
worked on it, I could get it back the rest of the way on my own.
Also, the sensations were astounding. I'd never done a massage
before. This magnificent person, through whatever magic she's aware
of, did things that caused my old friend Colour Purple to float under
my eyelids. Purples including that one as well as a deeper bluish
version, yellows, both muted and glowing but all diffused within the
purples, and even a spot of diffused green - I hadn't been that
meditative in a _long_ time. I'd read once that massage can bring
some people to tears and worried slightly that I might be affected
that way. When she first began, I knew it felt good and relaxing,
but it was more of an energy stabilizer than a release. At first.
Then, once the colours began, I felt myself touching that part of
myself that I seldom speak to anymore with all the worldly things
that occur each day. I watched my purply colour, which I've long
felt was a sort of protective, comforting one, swirl around in
greeting, a long lost friend. "Oh, hello," I told it, and I felt my
words fade out into oblivion. I was one with myself, aware of things
I'd stopped being aware of, aware that there is more to me than just
a body feeling mixtures of contentment, worry, stress, and
happiness. Then the massage person would suddenly start talking and
the colour would shift to intrusions of a perty yellow, mixing like
those oily widgets I remember as a kid. You know, the flat discs
where you push on the back and different colours appear on the
front... anywho, then she'd fall silent, her fingers would
instinctively push into the bottom of my head and stop dead in their
tracks, and I'd see tendrils of colours pour in again.
This person does, in fact, practice Reiki. I'd heard about "laying
on of hands" before but I had no idea just how much energy actually
flows through one's fingertips. I'll have to notice what colour this
person's aura is next time I see her. I'm oh-so-curious to know if
it's one of those "healing" colours I've read about.
A part of myself wonders if I'm wasting my own fingers. I know I
have an awareness of how to use my hands on people, at least
somewhat. The few people I've given instinctive massages to have
commented on my touch, and the strength of my hands. I almost feel
guilty by not offering them up a bit more frequently, but I feel odd
saying, "Hey, you want a massage?" I dunno, I like doing it just
fine for a time, but depending on the person, it can be draining.
Anywho, I digress. The massage I experienced was awesome, and it
helped me in a couple profound ways. First, I relaxed for a bit.
Second, I experienced something new. Third, I was put in touch with
something I'd forgotten I needed. And fourth, I came away with a
rather numb feeling, as though somewhere inside I'd made a decision
about something important. I couldn't say what, but it was
important. I feel more focused, less stressed, and feel like I'm
looking at things a bit differently, a way for me to get a better
view of myself and my life.
This evening I came home and emptied the fridge and the freezer and
the pantry of anything I found that was old. Then I put the garbage
out. On my way back inside, I heard a little girl's words in my
mind: "Mommy, I feel bad for you, having to carry that heavy garbage
can out like that." I replied in the voice of her mother: "Oh, I
don't mind. Putting out the garbage means we have food to eat and
things to throw away." It was something I'd read in Readers' Digest,
I think, and I always remembered it. My mind is like that. Throw
out the garbage now and again, because it means I've taken enough in
to have something to throw out. I'm far from poor.
~nv
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