Guinea Pigs are Conversion Factories

I have finally reached a conclusion to what guinea pigs are.

They are conversion factories.

This is how it works:

- Put large bowlful of grain and leafy greens into cage to silence the alarm.

- Wait a half hour for bowl of goods to be converted.

- Observe the mounds of poo and soaked papers in cage, sprinkled liberally with shed hair.

And yes, there is an alarm.  It seems to be there to let you know when there's nothing to convert.  I wish they had made the alarm quieter than a smoke alarm, but, at least I never forget to feed the conversion factory more stuff to convert.  Given I don't use the resulting product for anything, though, I'm really not sure why I got this thing.

I'm trying to figure out what these factories are actually for, though.  Perhaps I should put my guinea pig out on a field full of noxious weeds.  He would simply work his way through them, converting into usable farmland, right?  Is that what he's here for?  I seriously don't know what else to do with this thing.  He doesn't really seem to care about me as a fellow creature, he just wants to convert stuff.  Paper?  Manure.  Water?  Manure.  Greens?  Manure.  Grains?  Manure.  Air?  Manure.  Attention?  Manure.  I swear he puts out more than he puts in - and he puts in a lot.  I can't eat that much salad in a half-hour, let alone with a big handful of grain mixed in.  I'm certainly not eating a half a carrot with it, either, in the time allotted.  And somehow, the alarm still has energy to go off.  It's wicked sensitive, too.  It goes off if our fridge door opens.  It goes off when a neighbour's fridge door opens.  I suspect that it goes off when any fridge in the entire town opens.  There HAS to be an off button for that pesky alarm, or a time setting, or something.  He'd eat the entire back yard of its grass, shrubs, and trees if he had his way, in one or two days.  It would be a big pile of guinea pig manure, squishy, wet, and smelling suspiciously of farmland that is soon to be farmland.  Until he finds it again, that is, and re-converts it back to piles of gp manure.

I am certain that he converts sunlight and air into the mounds of hair-sprinkled poo, as well.  He's like the animal version of an air plant.  Mist him a few times a day and he'll live forever.

Gah!  At least he's a shiny little conversion factory.  How he keeps himself so well-maintained is beyond me.  I think he must only poo and pee when he thinks I'm about to look in there.  I mean, I just changed his papers and washed out his cage and within a half-hour of feeding him, MANURE EVERYWHERE.  Are guinea pigs nomadic or something?  They must be.  It doesn't matter how large the cage is.  He.  Will.  Fill.  It.  Every inch.  Even his food dish.  He doesn't get a food dish anymore, just a clean paper.  It'll be soiled in seconds.  Literally, seconds.  He must have manure to sit on or he's not happy.

GAH!!  I say, GAH!!!