First off, I'm not overly fond of "Fu Brick" Hunnan Hei cha. It's not horrid, but for a puerh, it's very, very light, and takes forever to separate itself from its little brick. I suppose in some ways this makes it last longer but it needs to steep a LONG time, even after rinsing.
Tea is not what my post is about, though.
Over the past few months, I have felt myself sliding slowly backward somehow, even while still moving forward. New job seems to be going well, and I've learned a lot of new things, and have much more to learn. So it seems illogical that this would be the cause of anything. However, I still miss a lot of people from the old place and I spend a lot more time alone. So much so that I crave solitude despite missing my friends. Does that make sense? Probably not. I tend to gravitate towards logic in a lot of things and I can't make heads or tails out of this myself.
I have trouble speaking to people. I've been losing words for the past couple of years and it's probably just the aging process. It starts happening about now, I reckon, a little bit at a time, until you're a nonsensical idiot drooling in your lap. It's not just that, though. I have trouble holding onto my thoughts long enough to form them into words. It's like having less interaction with people is dumbing me back down to who I was before I was thrown into the mess of people. I kind of miss my people. Not just my friends, but the interactions. Even the meetings, to some extent. At least when I /did/ have to speak, I could sound intelligible. Ish.
Listening has gotten better and worse. Better because I feel less need to contribute, but worse because I have trouble hearing again. It's a bunch of mumbo jumbo that just tumbles around in my head for a while and I get too tired to process all of it so I miss half of what's said. The rest is prone to being quickly forgotten.
I'm no longer sharp as a tack. This bothers me. A lot. I've tried to convince myself it's OK, that everyone hits this point. But it's not OK. I've stopped feeling like a failure, like I'm imperfect, when it happens. But I feel frustrated. I feel slow. I feel stupid. I guess stupid, for me, is failure, but still. The frustration hits me hardest. I can no longer multitask without a pad of paper in front of me. I'm constantly reorganizing my notes. People converse with me about conversations we'd had previously and I've lost all context, even if it's a project I've been working on. Dale tells me where he's going and two seconds later I figure out where he's going based on other clues, then verify. He gives me an odd look and I realize he probably just told me exactly what I concluded on my own. I don't remember any of it.
Yet, I haven't totally lost all of my communication skills. I haven't forgotten everything. And some things I'm forgetting feel like they're being replaced by older skills. Skills I'd forgotten about in the hustle and bustle of having to deal with so many people. The ability to focus on one thing for long periods is returning. To block out any and all sound. I keep wanting to read, to immerse myself in two-dimensional verbiage. I've been wanting to write more. (Hi!)
In other news, I've made it 21 days without drinking any mountain dew at all. Sometime after Monday of this week, it stopped badgering me. I actually don't really want it now. If I really think about the taste, sure, I want it, but I don't have a craving for it, a need, or the thought of it every three seconds. I honestly think it has to be a mental addiction because I never stopped drinking tea, so the addiction is likely not the caffeine. It likely wasn't the sugar, either, because I began craving potatoes within the first two weeks of giving up the Dew. I didn't really eat a lot more sugar than usual so I figure the starch replaced the sugar. So it had to be mental.
At any rate, not going back down that road for a while. I don't trust myself with Dew. My mother used to tell me that her smoking habit was not a physical addiction but a mental one. She LIKES smoking. I think I sort of understand that now.
Back to the subject at hand, though... Dale and I went to dinner last night and I hashed out a few of my thoughts about my state of mind. He didn't seem to think it was overly concerning and thought I was still growing just fine. Oh, I left that out here. I mentioned that I may have realized that it's not just my mind slowing down, but my growth and passion for growth. He's like, "You were just learning two languages." Well, yeah, but that's different. Somehow. Um. Right. But I am not currently still learning them...
Seriously, though. The growth thing. I was unhappy for much of my life and pushed myself until I became happy. I grew professionally, spiritually, mentally, and as a human being. FAST. And then I reached a point where I was content. Very content. But being content, in and of itself, is causing me discontent.
I'm unhappy being happy? Seriously? Yes, because now I worry it will all go away. Wow.
That made me feel better. Now my new goal is to enjoy what I have so long as I have it.
~nv
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