sadness

which is really silly considering how lucky I am, generally speaking. But earlier, a close friend of mine was watching me struggle with a foot that was so painful that I couldn't even stand with her and Dale to watch an event I'd been looking forward to, something as simple as just /standing/... then later, I commented that I was done with orthotics, it's been a whole year... and she said, "Yeah, you've mentioned that a couple of times recently. Why don't you just go buy a more comfortable pair of shoes?"

I wanted to scream.

If I could FIND a more comfortable pair of shoes, don't you think I'd have done so by now? I've wasted hundreds of dollars on shoes in the past three to four years, trying to find a pair that was not only comfortable, but didn't cause excruciating pain in my heel and arch. I've seen a doctor who agrees it's PF, and who agreed that the orthotics are wonderfully made. He gave me the options and they all sounded worse than simply not standing on the foot or going out into the winter and doing stupid things that injures it further. The only thing that helps me at all is venting about it when I'm in pain.

I won't complain about a condition I can't do anything about when I'm around her, because I don't think hearing "the obvious" is a good reason for murder.

Still, now I'm really sad because after all this, Dale made a comment about my stride making it better when it's wide (which I'd mentioned previously) and so I was like, yeah, it is better that way, because my arch isn't getting hit all the time by the hard arch support, it's in a different place. So I began walking beside him, he sped up slightly, and /she/ walked right in front of me, nearly forcing me to slow up and walk behind them both. It was in a parking lot, there was no reason for it, so it annoyed me, accident or not. I only said, "Dudes, peoples are in front of my stride!" and she sounded all pissy, like, "SORRY, I didn't MEAN to, zheezh." If she didn't mean to, and I said that behind them both, why'd she take it so personally? How'd she know to respond as if it were her that did it?

Which put me in a foul mood, because I then felt like it couldn't have been an accident, it had to have been slightly intentional, which is stupid, I mean, why'd she do that? So it was probably accidental. But the attitude really sucked.

I've come to the conclusion that I very much dislike hanging out with her when Dale's with us. I know I change in the situation, and so I've begun trying to be quieter, like I was today, and it didn't help her reactions to my presence, so I figure it's not just me that has an issue. SHE changes, too. It wasn't like this in the beginning but over the last several months it has gotten incredibly irritating to me, and I cannot do it any more. She never pokes me in the sides when we're alone, either. Only in the presence of others. It leads me to believe she's got power issues. It doesn't make it easier on me to believe this. I still take it personally and it wounds me greatly because she knows how much it bothers me.

I get that she and Dale are good friends. I get it. And I want them to have each other to hang out. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see they have a lot in common and enjoy hanging out and doing stuff. I can control the jealousy I have over the fact they CAN do all these things - hiking, snowboarding, standing - because it's not their fault I can't participate. It really sucks that the outdoors is what Dale loves most, and she's all too willing to be with him when I cannot be, and so I feel left out all the time, and being asked to join them is like a hard poke through my heart because after years of steadily refusing more and more to go out and do these things, I'm still being asked, and it makes me want to go, to be out there, enjoying the beginning of our relationship all over again. I can get over that, that's my problem. But why do I have to constantly feel like a third wheel when I /do/ get to be there? I hate it. I absolutely hate it.

Maybe it's running away from a problem, in fact, I'm sure it is. I don't care. I'm sick of crying when I'm home alone, avoiding pissing her off or getting pissing her off.

~nv