apology

I wish to apologize to the internet's eyes for my last post.  I was very angry at the time.  I strongly considered removing the post, but thought better of it.  It is a reflection of today's thoughts and very strong emotions, and in all honesty, it did not actually quite touch the surface of how I felt, so I consider it pretty tame after all.

Nonetheless, the words were pretty strong, hence the apology.

In other news, the anger has diffused a good deal.  Talking things out with my trusted advisor (that be Dale) helped to point out things I already know:  This is simply going to affect me and I simply have to accept that... and all of my experiences - good AND bad - have helped to make me the person I am, whom many people care about, whether I feel worthy of it at times or not.  Furthermore, I have choices on how this affects my choices going forward, regardless of how I feel about it.

Considering the extremes I've come to know - a mom who hates all shows of emotion compared to Dale, who listens quietly and hugs me whenever I need it - I suppose I can truly appreciate, more than most, just how lucky and/or blessed I really am.  I remember when I first met Dale, how I kept looking for some major thing I couldn't accept because he was too good to be true.  I remember how he said something once and I stood there expectantly, and he was like "what?" and I was like, "and...?"  There was no "and."  He just... is.  It's a remarkable place to be and I know I live in the past a lot.  When I realized this, I set out to make a happy future with this most interesting person, because that future would eventually become the past I'd be living in.  I did not wish to take anything for granted for fear that my future past would suck once again.  Yet, as I woke up by his side each morning, I'd lay there crying.  I couldn't figure out what he saw in me, or why he stayed.  I knew I'd become a strong, decent person, but he was so full of enthusiasm for everything, and so positive and upbeat.  While I can have that side, I know I'm also mopey at times, perfectionistic, and as I mentioned, have trouble leaving the past behind me and looking at what's right in front of me.  So I'd lay there watching him sleep and being so thankful for him.  And, I'd feel my insides twist in pain at the same time, because nothing could possibly be this good.  Life was about being hurt by the people you love, not being unconditionally loved by them.  I figured it would change any second and I'd better appreciate the little moment in time while it lasted.

Nearly seven years later, I still sit here in wonder over this.  I've come to accept that he accepts me for who I am, faults and all, just as I do him.  I've come to accept that I don't have to understand it.  But still I wake up wondering how this came to be.  There were so many possibilities for me, mostly not fun ones.  I could have committed suicide.  I could have become a drunk or a drug user.  I could have become some super brain making lots of money and constantly driving myself to heart attacks.  I could have married a jerk.  I could have ended up pregnant, maybe several times.  Maybe put myself on welfare.  Or, I could have gone through life exactly as I'd been intending to when I met Dale - living alone, no longer dating, and just keeping friends around for amusement, them and my critters and computers.  But no.  There's Dale, trying to find a way to remember the kind of clementines he likes.  There's our cat, Sinclair, with all his furry knots.  There's our other cat, Kitty, drooling on the remote control and purring.  And here we are, going to bed early so I can get some extra sleep - with someone to comfort me, whether I need it or simply want it.

I feel silly at times, being angry about the lack of parents, when I have so much to be happy about.  Just a few hours ago I was commenting how lucky I am to have my job - not just for the sake of having a job, but because I was able to come home and work for a few hours this afternoon, and actually accomplish something.  Not all workplaces permit that.  I am lucky to get along with everyone I work with, to have a few friends there, to like what I'm doing at least, even if I don't always love every aspect of it.  (I'm seriously thinking I'm just not that interested in computers anymore.  Ssssh, don't tell anyone!)

But one thing I will try to remember:  Just because I am happy overall does not mean I can't feel for what I never had.  The trick here is balance - yeah, too bad for me growing up, but now I'm an adult who's made some fine choices in life and has been blessed with a chance to be better than she might have been otherwise.  Get it all out, get over it, and get the heck upstairs to bed.

Kitty's buried her nose next to the remote.

~me