Egads

Okay, so... going back to an earlier post... I was blessed this morning with seeing an old friend online. After much discussion, he has reminded me of several things I already know. First, that I am my own worst enemy, even though he didn't outright state that in those words. Secondly, with this discussion, I have slowly (for me it was a crawl) concluded the following.

- I'm human. To demonstrate this, I'm going to leave my earlier posts intact so that I don't ever get the chance to make myself out otherwise. If anyone reading this ever is seeking a similar story to their own, here and there it is. I'm prepared (at least at this writing) to accept that I might be judged for appearances.

- What started out as good intentions evolved into selfish ones. This is why I felt really hurt. It was not Mum's fault that I was hurting, it was my own, because no matter what people (including moms) do to others, it's up to the others how they react. Mum was simply being Mum. She has never changed, and never will, and it's something I'd thought that I'd accepted. Apparently at some point, I stopped accepting it. So, when I saw her being who she is, and not who I wanted her to be, I tanked and took it personally.

- I have had a revelation which may or may not be true, but nonetheless, it horrified me. Growing up, I learned that sadness and anger were not allowed openly (difficult for expressive ole me). Happiness was OK in small quantities. Fear, however, was very acceptable, as well as biting humour. If parents often repeat what they grow up knowing, I was not far from the truth when I said some things to my own parent. If this is the case, I am horrified for what her childhood was like, especially because she did not escape it enough to avoid repeating it for me.

I feel much better now, although, I hesitate to say that with any sincerity because who knows if this weight I just lifted off my own shoulders will continue to stay lifted or not. It's so very easy to allow clouds back into one's own life...

~nv