Life doesn't suck, yet it does.

What I don't understand is why one single human being who never gave a damn about me should be affecting me like this. I hate her. I HATE HER FUCKING GUTS.

A month, and nothing from her. She isn't worth the slime on the bottom of my shoe.

Frightened, bitchy little girl, huh? Made amends my ass. Hateful, huh? How's this for hateful? I HATE YOU. That's hateful. Just as you were my whole life, laughing at me, tormenting me, and after making amends, still never being satisfied, and still trying to hurt me, and still succeeding somehow, although why I let you, I've no bloody clue. Fuck you. Go suck ass, bitch.

I'll show you hateful. I am evil, after all, right? You gave birth to Satan. Fine, consider me as such and leave me the fuck alone forever. Asshole. Yeah, I need therapy, because of you!! You hear me, out there in the universe? Do you? I woke up at 4am having nightmares and couldn't sleep to save my life because I kept feeling your cold, icy fingers trying to wrap themselves around my neck. I woke up shivering, terrified of you, again. AGAIN. Then when the icy fingers slunk away with my flailing wakefulness, I couldn't stand it, because I knew you'd left me alone. So either I sleep soundly and fear you, or I wake up alone.

I'd rather wake up alone, I'm at least used to that. My memories of that will eventually fade like all the others sort of have.

Yanno, it dawned on me this morning on my way to work (while avoiding the concept of swerving due to sleep deprivation) that maybe, just maybe, I'm not wrong in thinking that someone who cared - related or not - would have made more of an effort to understand what I was feeling rather than avoiding me altogether and stating their own kid needs therapy. I may be fucked up, but I'm not fucked up enough to be stupid about whether someone has wronged me or not. Even if that whole movie thing was completely innocent, the reaction I got was far from indicative of it.

I think I hate you more than any other person on earth right now. You have let me down big time, "Mum." Big time. You have absolutely no idea, and if you do, you're one sick fucker, hardly better than Dad, and that's pretty damned low. What I need therapy for is to figure out how to live knowing my own mother has always hated me and always will. Because until recently, I had gotten pretty good at denying that.

OMG I am such an idiot for letting you back into my heart. What an idiot.

~Very Disgruntled Person Without A Mother